


Maybe my heart is getting selfish

by redlipsredledger



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aftermath, BAMF Spencer Reid, Best Friends, Confessional, Divorce, F/M, JJ loves Spencer, Post season 14, more than friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-02-20
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:08:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22271611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redlipsredledger/pseuds/redlipsredledger
Summary: You'd think life would be simple when you're trained to know when someone's lying to you, you'd think it'd take away all of the fears and questions about who you can trust but when you're forced to face the fact that you've lied to yourself for 14 years, you realise that reading people means nothing if you can't read yourself.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/William LaMontagne Jr.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 71





	1. Wish you were mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JJ battles with the changes in her head and her heart, she finds herself wondering if she can go on the way she is or if she needs to be braver than she ever has before and face a new, unknown world after she breaks her own heart and her husbands in the process.
> 
> (I'm bad at summaries I really am, I always was. There's a lot to the story so! Please do give me feedback, I've never written this fandom before)

You didn't get to retreat into yourself when you lived a life like hers because the world around you literally needed you to be there and present; thankfully though pretenses were surprisingly easy to maintain when all you wanted to do was find some sense of normalcy in the new sense of madness that you found yourself living in daily; Will - to his credit - tried and he tried hard to make her happy and he had since the day that they'd met and she really did appreciate it, she knew that he loved her and for the longest of times she'd convinced herself that it was enough.

She'd been trying to lie to herself now for as long as she could remember but she'd known it deep down and it didn't matter how much she tried to run from it and she had. She'd tried for years burying what she felt in work and in leaving and in a marriage that she'd tried to cling to like a liferaft in the middle of a stormy ocean but ultimately it was always, always going to be upturned and she was always going to have to face the water.

She might drown in the process but she knew she had to face it. She knew that she couldn't run and she couldn't avoid him forever, not Spencer and not Will. She'd brushed it off for almost three months now telling them that it was nothing, that there was nothing wrong and there was no reason at all that she was throwing herself into work the way she was beyond just wanting to stay busy and do her job in Rossi's absence to make sure that they didn't stumble while they were down an agent.

Spencer knew better than anyone else that it was a lie though. She'd done it before so Will just assumed that it was indeed what she said it was, he wasn't quite as well trained as they were and the brave face that she put on at home was convincing enough to stop him from asking too many questions and she was glad for that. She didn't know how to explain it to him when she didn't know how to explain it to herself. He was in bed most nights when she got home and she was happier that way.

Other times, she'd spend the night at a hotel and tell him that she was buried under a mountain of paperwork but she'd stopped that rather quickly because she missed her sons. They were innocent parties in all of this.

Everyone was if she was going to be honest with herself, there was no blame to be had here simply facing an inevitability that she'd run from for as long as she could; Jennifer Jareau was a woman that had faced down killers, terrorists and the rest of the horrors that humanity had to offer but she couldn't face her own feelings.

It was that inability to do exactly that that had gotten her into this mess to begin with.

By the time Matt's baby shower had come around, she was trying her damn hardest to act like everything was okay around the rest of the team too and so far, no one had mentioned anything to her about the way she was being so she was either getting better at convincing people she was okay when she really wasn't or they respected her privacy too much to poke her about it but either way she was happy enough to just let them go about their business the same way they were with her.

Maybe if she didn't draw attention to herself then no one else would either.

Getting home at the end of the day though had been far worse; she'd gotten into a fight with Will about Henry that had escalated quickly to him asking why she was avoiding him and she'd tried over and over to tell him _not_ to ask her that, she'd tried over and over to tell him to just drop it and let it go and let her do what she needed to do but he'd pushed it to the point that she'd broken and she turned to look at him - really look at him - for the first time in months.

Six words. Six words that would change her world forever:

_I'm not in love with you._

He'd recoiled from the words like they were a physical punch and she couldn't blame him, she had said it so coldly and she found herself tearing up; she shook her head as she paced and he asked her more questions than she could even keep up with. She only stopped when he asked her if there was someone else.

She had a lump in her throat and she hated the fact that she couldn't turn to look at him and tell him _No_ and mean it. He deserved better from her than that and she knew it. She dragged her hands down her face and she shook her head gently. 

A lie, a lie to comfort someone that she'd just broken seemed like a kindness now.

"No, it's not like that I just- I'm not the same. I don't know whether it's everything I've been through or it's everything with the team or it's losing as much as I have I just know that I'm not the same anymore." At least that was the truth.

She wasn't who she was when she'd met him. She wasn't who she was when she'd married him and she wasn't sure she'd ever really been that person because it was just another part of the pretense that she'd been hiding behind so that she didn't have to face her feelings.

Travis Hinkle, that had been the first time that she'd been forced to confront it but she'd buried it so deeply since that day and hid it beneath the guise of protecting her best friend and being there for him that she'd actually managed to convince herself that had been the truth.

Having a gun pointed at their heads for what must have been the thousandth time though had been what it had taken for her to finally break and admit what she'd been hiding all these years: She was in love with her best friend.

He'd asked her if she'd meant it, he'd asked her if she'd meant it and she hadn't known what to say that day because while she wanted to tell him she did she knew that neither of them were ready for the implications of it. She had no idea if he loved her, she wasn't even sure it mattered but she loved him. 

She'd left after that, she couldn't stand to stay there and once again she'd thrown up a wall and told him that working all night would be the better option for both of them because she couldn't face this now, she wasn't in the right frame of mind and she was scared if he kept pushing her anger would make her cruel. JJ wasn't cruel. She had never been anything even close but anger made people say - and do - things that they went on to regret later.

In her line of work she'd seen it a thousand times, anger made someone snap and they weren't them anymore. She didn't want to end up hurting Will more than she already had out of anger or an inability to explain her feelings in a way that wouldn't expose the fact that she wasn't in love with him because she'd finally accepted that she'd been in love with someone else all along.

Seeing the pain in his eyes had been almost enough for her to wish that she could take it back and that was why she was glad when she got into her car and the roar of the engine gave her something to focus on. The noise - even for a moment - shut out the noise in her head and she was thankful for that.

She was crying, she was crying but it wasn't because she was sad it was because she was frustrated and that made her feel worse. She should be sad about what she'd just done but she wasn't and that brought up the inevitable question in her mind of what kind of person she was now. Had she really become so cold and callous? She knew that she hadn't, she knew it was just deciding that lying to everyone - including herself - and accepting a life that she wasn't happy with wasn't fair on anyone.

She couldn't fake it, it wouldn't be fair on Will if all he got was some faked, forced version of her. He deserved better. Their kids deserved better.

 _She_ deserved better.

She sat at a crossroads, the light on green for her to go but she sat there with her hands gripping the steering wheel as she looked one direction and the other. She stared dead ahead, in truth she had no idea where she was going and in that moment she knew that she had to decide but her mind - and her heart - were in two different places completely. The honking horns of cars behind her startled her out of whatever trance she'd managed to get herself lost in and she drove, she just drove without direction.

She drove around for the better part of two hours and in that time all she did was try to battle with her racing mind, nothing made any sense to her anymore. She'd walked out on her marriage tonight. She'd made the decision to end her world as she knew it. Now, directionless and as uncomposed as she'd ever been she just drove. Half of her wanted to go home, back to her parents simply for the familiarity of it but she knew that wasn't an option.

She settled on the office eventually just because she knew it was likely to be quiet and empty. She could focus on her paperwork, she could get lost in the statistics and the routine and just forget the outside world existed for a little while and that would have to be enough. She hated the thought of not being there when her boys woke up in the morning but what else could she do? She couldn't go back.

She couldn't face another argument, she couldn't face the broken look on Will's face knowing all the while that he deserved better than she was able to give him. She knew that eventually he'd start to turn his pain to anger and while that was inevitable, it was an inevitability that she could avoid even if it was just for tonight.

Tonight, she needed to find some quiet in all of the noise, tonight she just needed to _be_ without the pressure of trying to figure out where she went from here. She couldn't take it and she knew it.

She was one of the smartest, most well trained people in this whole city and yet she felt as helpless and lost as she had as a child. It was almost like some cruel irony but then she knew better than almost anyone else that life was _never_ fair.


	2. I'm free falling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her resolution is solidified when their case goes seriously awry and once again her life is put in mortal peril.

Her eyes were puffy and red from crying and she was exhausted, JJ pulled into the parking garage at almost 3:30am and climbed out of her car; the elevator ride up was thankfully quiet and the office all but dark by the time she got up there which meant that she could go to her office and block out the world around her for just a little while.

She knew that there was no way she could go home and so this was the safest place for her and the one place that could allow enough familiarity and routine for her to get lost in without feeling like everything was spinning rapidly out of her control.

JJ could be quite a control freak when she wanted to.

They'd had a few cases since the bank incident but she hadn't been able to move on from it in her mind and she knew that what had happened with Spencer was the root of that. She found herself going over their paperwork of one of their last cases, a pair of killers that had been murdering college students in Georgia that were initially thought to be in competition; it had taken them close to two weeks for them to figure out that they were a team.

In that time, 12 people had died and it had only added to her already growing amount of frustrations but at least the paperwork was extensive enough from the case to have her busy for tonight at the very least, she fully expected to be the only person here until morning and she was glad for that. It was silent and the silence was exactly what she needed to clear her mind.

Hours ticked by and before she knew it, it was 8am and the rest of the team started to file in; she must have eventually fallen asleep with her head in her desk at around a quarter to six so she looked disheveled and somewhat tired with bags under her eyes and a desperate need for coffee that had her emerge from her office to offer each person on her team a greeting and a weak smile. Emily almost immediately looked at her quizzically before informing them that they had a new case and she huffed out a relieved sigh.

But shook her head as Emily mouthed _are you okay?_ She watched the frown that touched her friends features, inhaling deeply as she walked toward her and JJ shook her head again.

"I don't wanna talk about it can we just focus on the case?" She refused to meet Emily's eyes, she could feel her staring at her though.

Studying might have been a more accurate assessment, by the time she did flick her eyes to meet her friends she could see the worry there and JJ frowned softly and ran her hand through her hair, scooping it up to tie it out of her face and she released a deep sigh before she wrapped her arms around herself.

She knew what Emily would be reading right now: Avoidance, withdrawal, feeling the need to protect herself and all of it was true, she couldn't deny that even if she wanted to because it was pointless trying to lie to people that knew how to pick up on a lie as easily as they could lift a cup of coffee but right now she couldn't bring herself to talk about it. She drummed a beat against her arm. 

"I just had a rough night, I'm fine." Lie. 

Emily conceded, if only for a moment and she reached out to squeeze her shoulder in an effort to show reassurance.

"If you wanna talk...?" Emily offered gently.

JJ gave her a small, weak smile and nodded her head. She plucked up a cup of coffee from Luke as he walked past and she offered him a thankful smile as he nodded his head, he too studied her before he offered her a soft frown.

"I'm fine." She could tell from the look on his face that he didn't believe her but he nodded anyway.

Luke wouldn't pry but she knew he'd listen to her if she wanted to talk. He didn't push people but he did quite gladly offer friendship when someone wanted it. The team were all like family and she appreciated that now more than ever, or at least she was going to. She knew that she was going to end up needing that support. She knew that there'd be questions, she knew people would want to know exactly what had happened and what had driven her to do what she had but she wasn't sure yet how to explain it.

She needed to have another conversation first that was far more important and one that would likely mean both her and Spencer would have to face whatever it was that they'd both been running from, she didn't expect him to feel the same and she was steeling herself for that possibility but she hoped, of course she hoped that he did. She hoped that he did so that she wouldn't have thrown everything away on a pointless whim but even if he didn't, she'd freed herself and she'd freed Will and that was a kindness.

Blue eyes searched the room as they walked into the briefing room, each person greeted with a smile and a wave, she noted from the corner of her eye that Emily and Luke both sporadically glanced at her to see if she was okay, she fought to refrain from rolling her eyes. She knew that they were worried and she didn't know how to tell them that it wasn't helping so she settled for silence with her hands folded on the table in front of her to cover her left hand.

And her suspiciously missing wedding ring. She'd left it on the kitchen counter when she'd walked out last night.

Her blue eyes were drawn to the monitor as Emily pulled up pictures of a man mutilated with skin missing and JJ released a sigh, it had been a long, long time since images like that had stopped having any effect whatsoever on her and she was still unsure to this day what that said about her anymore, maybe it simply meant that she just considered it to be the job and little else but she never stopped caring for the victims or their family.

She supposed that was the part of it all that mattered.

They were leaving soon but they weren't going far and she lamented on that, she wished that they were more than she could begin to explain to anyone and as usual, they were split into their teams and she was sent to the crime scene with Spencer. She had managed to keep it professional and they rejoined the rest of the team despite the fact that her heart was racing and her mind was pulling her in a million different directions and she started to say something a thousand times before just stopped trying to talk altogether and settled for agreements and smiles; she was glad to see Rossi again, she'd been glad when he'd pulled her into a hug and he asked her if she was okay, quietly she shook her head but he just offered her a kind smile and reminded her that he was there for her.

She knew that already but hearing it again was still helpful to her.

They worked the case and she did so fervently so that she had something to focus on that took her mind off of what was waiting for her when she had to go home; the breakout that had happened so fast that it felt like it had all transpired at a dizzying speed, the gunshot and then time slowed down to an impossible crawl...

Laying there on the cold ground bleeding out and feeling her strength slowly slip away from her it was like time was a blur of fast and slow and fast and slow. How had so much changed since this morning? How was she fine this morning and now she was bleeding out in a parking garage trying to call out to anyone but no sound broke her lips.

JJ coughed and her eyes blinked rapidly. She couldn't focus on anything and all she could hear was distant footsteps until she felt someone pull her into their arms and she heard his voice. Her hand closed around his arm and her eyes widened and she tried so desperately to speak again but there was nothing. No sound. No sound as she listened to him plead with her to stay with him and she wanted to, she wanted to so badly and she tried and tried to tell him that but she was too weak.

Fight.

Fight.

Fig-

Gone.

Darkness consumed her and nothing else registered to her at all after that and she hated it. She hated the way that she'd been overcome so easily and how she'd fallen for a trap because she hadn't seen the danger coming. She should have and she knew it, her mind was distracted and she wasn't as sharp as she should have been. She was better than that, she was better _trained_ than that and she'd fallen for the most obvious trap it would have been laughable if she could laugh. Moving hurt. Breathing hurt.

Her eyes fluttered open slowly and she could hear the beeping of the machines around her. She heard whispers and hushed talk around her and she ran her tongue across dry, cracked lips as she fought through the haze. Her eyes slowly closed and opened and this happened for a good minute as she fought to wake through the anaesthesia and the pain medication the hospital had her on. A small groan broke her lips and she heard footsteps move toward her.

Her blue eyes swam slowly into focus and immediately her eyes fell on Will. She took a breath in that felt like it hitched in her throat. No. She tried to shake her head but it hurt too much, instead she settled for a weak smile given the fact that it was all she could manage.

He tried to reach for her hand but she turned it away and she watched him sigh. Nothing had changed since last night. This didn't change anything.

"How're you feeling?" He asked her softly.

She tried her best to breathe slowly, her face contorted in pain as she pushed herself to sit up a little.

"It hurts." she glanced down at her side then, she couldn't see her wound through the hospital gown but she was aware of its presence.

"You needed emergency surgery, they call me I- I'm your emergency contact and-" He explained, she nodded her head.

It made sense. She wasn't angry about it but she was tired, oh so very tired and she wished that she could explain to him that she was sorry, truly and wholly and completely sorry but it couldn't change anything. Getting shot wasn't going to change how she felt. She appreciated him being there for her but that was it: It was an appreciation.

"Where are the boys?" She needed to change the subject.

"Still at school, they're safe." He offered her a weak smile.

She was glad for that at least. She knew Will would have just told them that she had to work last night. She knew at some point he'd bring them by to see her in the hospital and she was going to need to make arrangements for when she was discharged and in truth she welcomed the distraction that came along with her mind busily mulling over what'd happen from this moment on because it meant that she didn't have to focus on watching him break.

She felt terrible for what she was doing, she truly did but she'd do neither of them any favors staying when she just didn't feel the same anymore.

"I'm sorry. I wish that it could be different." She spoke softly, she released a small sigh.

"It's alright." He replied, he sounded defeated and she couldn't blame him.

She inhaled carefully and her blue eyes flicked to the door as her eyes met Spencers and she offered him a kind smile. Will turned to look at the man he knew as JJ's best friend and nothing more and he stood up and walked toward him, patting him gently on the shoulder.

"I'll leave you two to talk, I'm gonna go grab some coffee." He murmured the words in a half-hearted tone before he disappeared.

Spencer walked toward her, sitting down beside her as his worried brown eyes raked over her form and she smiled then far more genuine than she had before. He reached out to take her hand and this time, she didn't pull it back into herself and he leaned up to brush her hair back tucking it behind her ear carefully.

"You scared me." He commented the words so softly they were barely audible.

"Spence-" JJ started, wincing in pain. Immediately his eyes widened with alarm but she shook her head. "I'm sorry." 

She knew she had no reason to apologise to him, things like this happened all the time out there in the field and there had been many an occasion that it had before to both of them and each time they were right there by their side when they woke up, now was no different to all those times only it was. He shook his head at her apology almost confirming her thoughts, it was unnecessary.

"How're you feeling?"

"Honestly? Like I've been shot." She laughed weakly as she spoke. Ow. Bad idea. "Thank you."

It was him that had made sure she stayed alive and she knew it.

"I couldn't lose you." His face in that moment was unreadable even to her. "I came to see you when you were still unconscious and I- I begged you to wake up." 

She hadn't known that but then she hadn't been awake at the time and she could see that this whole thing had hit him hard. She squeezed his hand.

"I'm gonna be okay, I promise." 

His expression shifted entirely then and he shook his head vehemently.

"You almost weren't, JJ. You almost bled out and-" He cut off, he sounded somewhere between terrified and frantic.

"And what?" 

"I'm never gonna be okay with losing you." He flicked his eyes up to her face then.

Spencer Reid looked older in that moment than he ever had before, she saw then the way that the years and their ordeals had taken their toll on him just as they had with her and she knew that it was just as hard on him to have gone through it all as she was. She'd always known before when he was struggling but none of this was like it had been before. It was almost like that proverbial _before_ was a million years ago now rather than a matter of months.

"You're not going to lose me." She spoke with a gentle but strong resolution.

None of them could promise that and mean it and she knew it but she could tell in that moment - at least to him - the sentiment was appreciated more than she could possibly understand. She ran her tongue across her lips again.

"We need to talk when I get out of here." She squeezed his hand again, he nodded his head.

He knew that just as much as she did and while she wasn't sure that it was the same conversation he was thinking they needed to have she knew that she had to say what was going on in her mind because otherwise it was going to eat away at her and she wasn't willing to spend the rest of her life with that _What If_ hanging over her head like an axe. She needed to tell him that she'd meant it when she'd told him she loved him. She needed him to know that she'd ended her marriage.

She needed him to know that she'd done that on her own terms and it was because it wasn't fair to lock herself nor Will into a pretense that would make neither of them happy in the long run. She needed to tell Spencer Reid that she should've told him she loved him years ago rather than burying it and trying to hide from it. Maybe their lives would have been so different if they had.

"Will says-" She shook her head to cut him off as he spoke.

"I'll stay with Emily or Luke or-" Or anyone but there. He offered her a quizzical look then. "It's a long story." 

She added with a sigh. Not here, not now. She couldn't do this here and now and he seemed to understand that because he inhaled a deep breath before he nodded his head.

"Okay, I get it. I'll call them and tell them you're awake now, I'm sure everyone is gonna wanna come see you." He offered her a smile.

JJ returned it gladly.

"Did we get them?" Naturally she wanted to know that she hadn't gone through this for nothing.

Spencer nodded his head and JJ fell back against the pillows behind her with a relieved sigh.

Thank God.


	3. It's never as simple as I love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the car ride home, JJ and Spencer have time to talk about where they go next.

It had stopped burning when she took a breath which was appreciated but her body still hurt when she moved too much not that anyone had let her. She'd been put on medical leave two weeks ago which a part of her was actually glad for because it gave her the time that she needed to figure things out. She'd been ducking her phone for quite a while because she didn't want _anyone_ asking her questions about why she'd chosen to go back to her moms place rather than go home with Will.

She didn't want to talk about it regardless of how much her mother had probed her for _any_ information.

Eventually she'd decided on going back to DC not that anyone was willing to let her drive herself and she was _not_ going let her mother drive her, she'd drove her crazy enough over the last 2 weeks she didn't need miles and hours in a car with her with no escape too. Emily had offered to pick her up and she'd refused that too, she knew that Emily was worried about her both as her team leader and as her friend but she wasn't ready for that either.

Matt had offered, so had Luke... And pretty much _everyone_ else but she'd been hesitant.

Until Spencer had called her and told her he'd be there in a few hours without even asking her if she was okay with it and a part of her - while glad for it - was also more anxious than she wanted to admit. She breathed out a sigh as she collected everything she needed and packed it neatly back into her suitcase and hauled it carefully down the stairs, her hand moved to her side as she reached the bottom and she released a sharp breath. She still wasn't 100% yet.

She was glad enough though to get away from her mother and her relentless questions that she hadn't protested even a little when Spencer had taken her case and put it into the trunk of the car for her, he regarded her with worried eyes as he opened the passenger side door for her and a small smile touched his lips in an effort to comfort her, she clearly looked more troubled than she wanted to. She tried her best to keep her features schooled.

She failed.

As she got into the car and they set off wordlessly, Spencer turned slightly to look at her. She knew that he was running through a million questions in his mind, Spencers mind worked like a speeding freight train and she'd always admired that but she knew the trouble that it brought him, too. She knew that it led him to worrying far more than he should and it led him to overthink things. No one really understood Spencer Reid the way that she did and maybe that was why they'd always been so close.

Maybe that was why it had been so easy to love him. She released a sigh eventually.

"You wanna ask me something so ask." 

He nodded his head and offered a weak, uncertain smile. They hadn't really had the chance to talk much these last couple of weeks beyond a few quick text messages and emails now and then to check in and it had bothered him.

"You wanted to talk so I-" He cut off awkwardly, this was never his strong suit. "Is something wrong?"

JJ shook her head though. Nothing was wrong, nothing at least that wouldn't be fixed by a good strong coffee and an actual, genuine sense of honesty and openness for a change. She had spent a few weeks alone mulling over her thoughts and feelings and making certain that this was exactly what she wanted and it was. She didn't want to go back to living a lie with Will, she couldn't stand to face him every day and tell him she was happy when she wasn't.

That wasn't the kind of life either of them deserved and it wasn't the kind of life that their children deserved either. Everything she was doing was to make sure that everyone continued with the best possible future ahead of them. She couldn't - and wouldn't - make anyone live with the misery of a life of lies. 

"I meant what I said, Spence." She replied quietly. "I've been in love with my best friend for years and I've been too scared to admit it to myself."

To herself or to anyone else which was exactly why she'd gone on to live the life that she had in the hopes that she could ignore it and that someday it would subside, someday it would cease being the only thing in the world that felt true and real to her outside of her children and while she'd never regret her marriage to Will she wished that she didn't have to break his heart. He deserved so much better, he was a good man.

"Will is a _good_ man. He was a good husband and he's a _great_ father and I love him in my own way but it's not the same. We have our kids and we had a life and I wanted that to be enough I really did but it isn't. It's just not. Sitting there facing death again with guns pointed at us I guess-" She flicked her eyes toward him.

"I guess I wanted to tell you the truth in case it was the last time I'd ever get the chance. We face death every single time we go out after an Unsub and we both know that but someday it is going to be too late. Someday I'm gonna wish I'd taken the chance when I could and I don't wanna live like that. I don't wanna live knowing that I'll regret it if I don't say it anymore." 

After finding out the truth behind her sisters death a lot had changed with her and she'd been trying her best to bury it. She'd been trying to act like it didn't matter and that it hadn't had any lasting impact on her and that she'd moved past it but the truth was that she had so much she wanted to say to her sister, so many things that she wished she'd said when she had the chance that she'd ultimately decided that she couldn't live with regret anymore.

She couldn't risk never being able to say what she needed to say to another person especially not him. 

"We all live knowing that any time we go out into we go out into the field it could be the last time. You, me, Matt, Tara, Emily, Rossi, Luke... We risk being killed _every time_ we take a case and I can't live like that. I can't live knowing that at any moment any of us could die and I'll never get the chance to say what I need to say."

He remained silent as he listened to her speak, his brow furrowed softly and she could tell a few times that he'd wanted to say something or that some thought or another was racing through his mind and he was struggling to contain whatever it was that had bubbled to the surface of his brilliant brain but he'd remained quiet as she spoke. 

"I love you too." He replied, one hand left the steering wheel to hold hers.

"I know the risk we take too, every time we're out there and one of you gets hurt I feel like it'll be the last thing I can take before I snap and wanna give it all up and I never thought that could happen when I started out. I loved the job and I knew we were making a difference but then people started leaving and dying and Gideon and I just- I never said so much. I never said so much to people because I thought it'd just make things worse somehow."

They'd both been living beneath a shroud of fear that had started to lift and they were both glad for it. Relief swept across her features as she listened to him speak and she nodded her head as she processed the words in her mind. She knew exactly how hard Gideons death had hit him after how close they were and she knew that every single person they'd lost, almost lost or said goodbye to over the years was an unfinished chapter in the book of Spencer Reid.

He wasn't good with emotion.

"I don't want to lose you." He whispered quietly. "I couldn't stand it if I lost you."

All of that time in a Mexican prison for something he hadn't done, all of the time he'd spent fighting to clear his name and she'd been his constant support, she'd been a light, a smile in a dark hell and he knew that he could count on her no matter what; JJ was his best friend and she'd never ever do anything beyond support him but it had been during moments of duress and pain that they truly realised how much they needed each other.

It had been no easier on him to see a gun pointed at her than it had been for her to see one pointed at him.

"You're not gonna lose me, Spence." She sounded almost strong. Almost.

The truth was that she was still terrified. She wasn't terrified of leaving the life that she'd known behind but she was terrified of the uncertainties that lay ahead because she knew that three words changed absolutely everything. The moment that they'd admitted this to one another it changed everything. It changed her life, it changed his and it changed the team. It changed what they were to one another and that scared her.

She couldn't stand the thought of not having him in her life anymore, if he hadn't loved her and she'd told him and ended up pushing him away... The thought was more than she could take. Spencer Reid had always been her one constant. 

"I don't know where we go after this." He admitted with a small sigh.

"Me either but we'll figure it out." This time she squeezed his hand. This time it was her turn to try to reassure _his_ uncertainty.

Not that she was entirely certain she'd yet alleviated her own. A soft sigh broke her lips as she pulled her hand away and ran it through her hair to scoop it up and tie it back out of her face, for a moment she turned her head to watch the dulling scenery pass them by outside. The sun had set about a half hour ago and it was darkening quickly outside. She was glad that it was easier to see the stars out here in the middle of nowhere though. 

The city lights always made it so hard to see the stars, it was one of the reasons she loved to travel as much as they did. 

"JJ?" He spoke after a long silence.

Longer than she'd actually thought it was, she had been lost in her thoughts. Memories, memories sped by faster than the trees and the road did but she wasn't trying to hold on to one thing or another she was simply just using things to distract herself.

"Yeah?" She looked back at him as she spoke.

"Where're you going to stay when-" His hand tightened unconsciously on the steering while. "When we get back to the city?"

"I uh, I have an apartment. Three bedrooms, it's actually pretty nice." She'd arranged the whole thing using her computer while she'd been out at her moms place.

Spencer nodded as she spoke and she could swear she saw a flicker of relief on his face, she smiled.

She'd wanted somewhere to go back to that didn't mean she had to face Will or try to have him rebuild a marriage she already knew wasn't going to work out. She didn't want to hurt him any more than she already had so she'd thought it best that they definitely live in separate places. She'd already contacted a divorce attorney too. She wanted the whole process over as quickly as possible so that they could try to minimise the damage with the kids.

Her boys were naturally her first priority and she didn't want to drag them through a lengthy process that'd just end up causing them more harm. A lengthy divorce that got messy with property and custody and every other thing on the planet wasn't going to help any of them. She was happy with Will keeping the house, she had her apartment and she was happy with that now, she wanted to split custody of the kids which so far seemed to be the agreement...

Even though she knew Will was hoping that they could reconcile, she'd tried to be as gentle as she possibly could with telling him that wasn't going to happen. She wanted him to be happy, truly, actually happy with someone that would love him in a way that she never ever could, she couldn't bring herself to hurt him by making him hope for something that would never happen. She couldn't love him in the way that he deserved to be and she hated herself for it, Will was a good man. 

He'd done nothing but love her, honor her and treat her right and she wished that could be enough. She wished that she could be happy enough but realising that she'd been in love with someone else meant that there was no way back for them. She respected him too much to hurt him like that. She respected him too much to force him into a life like that.

"I get the kids three days a week when I'm not away on a case too so that's great. Things are really amicable so far and I'm hoping they stay like that, I mean- He knows I care about him. He knows it's not like I wanna break our family up for nothing but I can't make him live a lie. I won't do that. He deserves better." JJ spoke softly, the sadness was evident in her voice.

That was one of the many things that Spencer loved about her though, she was so kind and so compassionate and this life - this job - had never turned her hard. It had never turned her cold, she still treat each person she came across with a kindness and a warmth that he hadn't been able to understand for a long time but being around her had shown him that it was okay to be open. It was okay to embrace your emotions.

It was okay not to have to hide.

That was why he trusted her as much as he did when it came to everything with his mom, he didn't hide how hard it was on him. He didn't have to hide how hard it was on him because she knew him too well for that, she knew him and she knew how close he was to his mom. She'd been there for him when he'd been going through hell and she'd been having some of her worst times. She'd helped his mother when he'd been locked up for something he hadn't done.

JJ had been the best friend he'd ever had and the only woman aside from Maive that he'd ever loved.

"I think you're doing the right thing." He replied, he hoped that she wouldn't think he was only saying that because of their mutual feelings...

Mutual. He was glad for that.

"And you know if I can help with anything I'll always be there." He added kindly.

She knew that already though. She knew that her boys meant a hell of a lot to Spencer and they loved to spend time with him. They loved to hang out with Uncle Spence. He was the cool, dorky fun uncle that would dress up and play with them. He'd do anything to make them smile, tell them stories even if half of them he improvised or made up entirely because he wasn't too keen on the predictability of children's books. He did read them Harry Potter though.

She wondered though how they'd handle Uncle Spence going from their moms best friend to being more. She'd already decided that if anything at all would come of this before she'd even spoken to Spencer it would be a slow transition and that she wouldn't rush her children into absolutely anything, not that she wanted to rush herself into anything either. She needed to take the time to herself to heal from her divorce.

She needed to make sure she didn't put all of the pain and stress she was going to do through on him. She needed to let them take their time to figure everything out because it wasn't as simple as two people caring for one another and that being that. 

"We're gonna need time, Spence. I have to get through the divorce and let the kids adjust and- I don't want you to feel like I'm making excuses or whatever because-" 

"I don't think that. I'd _never_ think that. I get it I really do, you have to deal with all of this and I'm okay with it. I'll always be there for you. I know you're going through a lot right now and I'll be there. I'll _always_ be there and I would even if it wasn't like this." He was trying to reassure her.

She appreciated that more than she could even begin to explain.

"We'll get there, okay? We're just gonna have to give it time." She reached out for his hand again.

Time. He could handle time.

He'd handled years of burying this he could give her as long as she needed.


End file.
